Brave Heart Doctor
by Michelle Birkby
Summary: After Tegan leaves, the Doctor packs up her things, and finds himself wondering why her leaving hurt so much. doctortegan shippiness.


//// indicates flashbacks to conversations..  
  
Brave Heart Doctor  
  
"Come along." The Doctor snapped, getting into the Tardis quickly. Turlough stared after Tegan a moment, wondering if maybe he should go with her, or stay..but a second later, he followed the Doctor in. He'd already set the controls, and as soon as Turlough was in, he quickly closed the doors, and took off, so quickly Turlough almost lost his footing. Only when they were clear of the warehouse, clear of any chance the Doctor might go after Tegan, did he stop moving, and just stand there, staring down at the console.  
  
"Doctor?" Turlough asked hesitantly.  
  
"Yes?" he replied, after a moment.  
  
"Are you alright?"  
  
"Yes..yes. of course." He said, breathlessly. "Companions always leave. I've become used to it. You too will one day leave, you know. No point getting upset about it." his voice trailed off into silence.  
  
"Tegan left all her things behind." Turlough said, unsure if he should mention it or not.  
  
"I know. It was a bit sudden, wasn't it?" the Doctor tried to smile, but a sudden sharp frown crossed his face, and he looked hurriedly away from Turlough. "I'd better pack it up. Next time we're on Earth, in her time period, I'll send it to her. Or maybe drop in on her, give it back to Tegan.." his voice trailed off again, and he kept his head bent down, away from Turlough.  
  
"Don't you think that's a bit quick?" Turlough asked. For all his bad points..and he had many..Turlough was very sensitive to other people's feelings. It was what made him such a good manipulator. And though the Doctor kept his eyes resolutely down to the console, his voice shook.  
  
"No time like the present!" the Doctor said heartily. "No point in putting it off. Might as well do it today instead of putting it off to tomorrow!" he smiled, but his eyes, which seemed to change colour with his mood, were very dark.  
  
"Yes Doctor." Turlough agreed, forcing a smile himself. Turlough wanted some peace and quiet. He didn't know why, but he was beginning to miss Tegan too. He didn't understand it. He needed time alone to explain it away.  
  
"Well, good." The Doctor turned, and walked through the doors. Tegan's room was the closet to the console room, immediately to the left, and Turlough heard him say, as he reached her door  
  
"She didn't even take a coat. She'll be freezing."  
  
He stood there, outside her door a moment. He was shaking, ever so slightly, still shaking from the emotion of her final goodbye.  
  
//I'm tired of it//  
  
He could still hear her voice in his head. Tired of it? Tired of him, or his life? Either way, it didn't matter. It had all had the same effect. She'd gone.  
  
But like he'd told Turlough, companions had gone before. He'd boxed up their possessions before. Susan, Jamie, Jo, Sarah Jane. Adric.  
  
The doctor reached for the door switch. Adric. What if she'd died? Maybe her leaving was for the best. She could so easily have died today. If that Dalek blast had been just a little lower..if if if. So many ifs, and each one ended with Tegan being dead. He still remembered, looking back, when the cyberman had almost killed her, just to prove a point.the cold panic in his stomach as the cyberman had moved towards her, the desperate dash to place himself between her and any death.  
  
That was when he'd first suspected that she'd come to mean more than any of his other companions.  
  
Her room was a mess, as usual. Tidying was not top of Tegan's priorities. He sat down on the bed, looking around. He picked up the open book by her bedside, and read 'Alice sighed wearily. "I think you might do something better with your time," she said, "than waste it asking riddles with no answers."'. Alice in wonderland. How appropriate.  
  
Riddles with no answers. Like why was he so upset she'd gone? Now that he was alone in here, with no Turlough around to watch him so closely, he could admit that he was upset. She hadn't always been congenial company. Alright, so she was the only companion he could remember that he could hold an intelligent conversation with about cricket. But she was also constantly arguing, and questioning and demanding. Either in a bad mood, or about to be provoked into a bad mood. And his desire to protect had always run into conflict with her desire to march straight into any situation and get herself into as much trouble as possible. It was best she was gone, he thought, pulling out a box from under the bed, and flinging her clothes into it one by one, with no care. She was always so irritable, always questioning him, and moaning and.  
  
// 'but murder?'  
  
'Once before I held back from destroying the Daleks. It is a mistake I do not intend to repeat. Davros must die'//  
  
It had only been hours before. And he could still remember the look on her face. Utter horror, that he..of all people. would do that. Had he told her he hadn't? That foolishly..perhaps deliberately, he'd run out to help Stein and found he'd missed his chance? Had she gone believing him to be a murderer?  
  
And that was why she was so important. When he'd decided to kill Davros, he'd know it had to be her he had to persuade. Not himself, or Turlough, or the others. Just her. Because she was his moral touchstone. Time lords became arrogant, so protected from reality by their immense powers they forgot what it was like to be a real person. Forgot the intrinsic value of one life, no matter how pointless, or even how evil. That was why he had companions, to remind him that he was not all-powerful, or all-knowing. But his companions all too often treated him like he was, did anything he asked, swallowed any justification he gave them, because he was a Time Lord.  
  
But not Tegan. Tegan questioned everything, and forced him to question himself. Slowly he took her clothes out of the box, smoothing the rumples and wrinkles. Tegan challenged him not to be awkward, but because she believed everything should be challenged. Her constant arguing made him see everything from every angle. She made him see truth.  
  
Slowly, he folded the clothes back up again, neatly this time.  
  
//No..no, don't leave, not like this.//  
  
Well, how should she have left? She should have fallen in love with someone. He should have been able to hand her over to someone who cared for her and protected her and loved her like he.  
  
He hadn't just had that thought, had he? He stopped for a second, stock still in the middle of Tegan's room, her lavender silk scarf in his hand.  
  
Time Lords didn't love. He knew that. They had affectation, they cared but love.. that was dangerous. That was uncontrollable. And in a race of supreme beings who could control time and space, losing control could be catastrophic.  
  
Time Lords couldn't love. They were incapable of it. They were too ancient, too powerful, to ever feel such an emotion.  
  
He was a Time Lord. Time Lords didn't love, so he couldn't love.  
  
Then again, Time Lords didn't travel the universe in a battered police box either. And if he didn't love, why did her leaving hurt so much? When she'd held her hand out, to say goodbye, he'd taken it disbelievingly, unable to comprehend that this was the last time he'd ever touch her. He hadn't shaken her hand so much as caressed it, his thumb sliding over the back of her hand, the skin like silk, but she'd drawn it back, and that was it, she was gone.  
  
And now he was stood in her room, packing up her things, and the pain of losing her was so intense, it was like a great heavy weight in his chest, a huge black hole that sucked in all the light. It had taken him days, almost weeks to get over Jo and Sarah Jane leaving, but he knew it would take months, years, before he got over Tegan leaving. Maybe not until his next regeneration.  
  
He slipped the scarf into his pocket, still a little unsure of why he wanted to keep just that little bit of her. Somewhere, a little tiny corner of his ever-analytical mind was aware that something had changed, for good, inside him. That from now on, he would care more for his companions. Maybe learn to ..care a lot more that he was supposed to. But not in this regeneration. He sealed up her box, slowly. Next time they landed on Earth, he'd post it. Maybe he'd even drop in on her, hand.no. Because that would mean saying goodbye again, and that still hurt. Still an open wound inside, an ache that wouldn't stop.  
  
Damn the Daleks. They sucked every last bit of joy and happiness out of the universe. He should have killed Davros, whatever Tegan thought. If it hadn't been for them, she'd never.  
  
//It stopped being fun, Doctor. Goodbye//  
  
No, it was his fault. She'd gone because of what he'd become, a murderer, and she's never even known, never suspected, that he needed her, cared for her.had learnt to love her. He looked up, the mirror by her door, and barely recognised himself. He looked so drawn, so tired. His eyes were as dark as Tegan's now, and he felt as if he'd never smile again..at least, not the way he had with her. Not the way he had when he thought of her courage, or her rudeness. Not the way he'd had when she'd congratulated him on a game well played. Not the way he had when he was teaching her, and she was taking it quietly, trying to keep him calm. Not the way he had, when she'd looked at him, and he'd seen the absolute faith in her eyes, faith in him..faith that had taken battering after battering, with the Mara, and Adric, and now, today.  
  
He looked older, in the mirror. And very alone. he sighed, then drew himself up to his full height.  
  
"Brave Heart, Doctor." He said, hoping it would help, but he didn't. Then he put the box down, under the bed, switched off the lights, and went back to join Turlough, his hand in his pocket still wrapped around the lavender silk scarf. 


End file.
